ASPECTS

Fear. Lack of enough confidence. Not enough willpower. Responsibilities.

The reason why I am still here. In this world. The reason why I am not out there, running for answers. Answers to questions. Questions of existence. Questions about life. Questions on enlightenment. Questions to everything.

But the main reason I am not pursuing the answers? I am scared that the questions are void. That I’ll be letting myself and everyone around me down.

But believe me, not a single day goes by that the thoughts of existence in general doesn’t pass through my mind.

I know one thing for sure: there are just too many aspects to life. Aspects conquered. Aspects puzzling. Aspects unexplored. Aspects unheard of. Aspects unthinkable. And for that reason, I don’t believe in enlightenment. I don’t believe that the ‘enlightened’ people have really known about all the life aspects. They may have conquered morality and philosophy but what about the sciences. Aren’t the questions of science just as important?

You can’t have all the knowledge about everything. Maybe it won’t matter once you are enlightened. But for me, everything does. There will always be that one aspect to life that I will not have heard of. Or that one aspect that I’ll never understand. Or that one aspect that the future will eventually reveal.

‘Live in the moment’, people tend to advise. But which one moment do you really live on? Is it the moment of understanding the lecture or the moment where you are day-dreaming inside the lecture hall? Because technically, you really are living in that exact moment of day-dreaming. The thoughts in your brain are just as alive as it would be if you were paying attention to the lecture.

Life is just too complicated to be lived. But is death any easier?

Will I ever find the answers? I wonder.

Being Alone

 (My post-breakup scenario)

Why was I so afraid of being alone?

I remember not wanting to return to my hostel for the fear of being alone. I’d thought that if I come here, I’d cry all day and night (contrary to my current situation at the time which was crying only the nights when no one would disturb me). I’d thought I’d feel completely and utterly alone for I’d just broken up with my boyfriend after three years of an on-off relationship. And also since my only other close friend in the hostel would not arrive until the later week.

But as soon as I reached this place (KUGH), I was filled with ecstasy and pleasure due to the silence and the serenity. Like I belonged. Like this place was made just for me. Seeing the Girl’s hostel completely empty filled my heart with euphoria. I was on my own, and alone!

I believe that everyone needs to have some alone time for themselves. The time to think, the time to wonder, the time to imagine, the time to learn, the time to open up your mind. And I realized that I had been depriving myself of this time for quite a long time now.

I just couldn’t remember having such a time for myself. For three long years, there was always that one person, if not others, at the back of my mind never leaving my thoughts.

I had forgotten the freedom that comes with being single. The despair of loss associated with the breakup would always occupy my mind that I had forgotten to appreciate the self-dependent lifestyle.

‘To discover your soulmate, you must first discover your soul’ and that’s exactly what I intend to do from now on.

Being in a relationship without first being independent is hazardous for any human soul, I’ve realized. It will make you dependent on your significant other which is not as good as it sounds. Interdependence without independence is not the way for life to go. You are filled with mystery and wonder. It’s so beautiful to discover yourself. And I have a lot to catch up to…