THE END

It's the end

Today marks the last day of my student life. Even though my student ID expired days ago and my classes ended months ago, today felt like the end. Not even today specifically but that moment just minutes ago: the moment I wrote my last email as an undergraduate student. I didn't feel like this when I had finished giving my last exam of undergraduate life (hell I don't even remember which exam it was!) nor when I ended my internship nor when I gave my final presentation but while writing that small email thanking my professor for his guidance, when I couldn't decide on what to edit as in my mailing signature instead of "undergraduate student", I couldn't help but feel like This Is The End.

The end because I have no idea what to do with my life anymore. Having lived for almost 22 years and having undergone at least 18 years of schooling, I have never been in a situation like this before; a situation where I can do whatever the hell I want to do with my life!
After SLC, there was +2 when I was sure I would study Science; the only decision I had to make was which college to study in. When +2 ended, I was not very sure what to study next but at least I had a part of myself who had already started taking engineering entrance  preparation classes somehow to guide me towards this path of engineering; the only decision was which engineering to choose. I think that was the hardest decision I took back then. I don't regret my decision but I'm unsure if this is the path I want to follow anymore.

See the thing is, no matter how hard the decision, there was always this one thing that was constant : the need to study. No other choice but to keep pursuing education. But not anymore.
Now, I don't need to study. And I don't know what to do. And this is the end of my student life. There is the graduate degree I might need to pursue, but would I really want to study more now that I have studied for so long? But do I want to work? Or do I want to risk it all and just start a business? Or just travel? Or do absolutely nothing!
From tomorrow, I have decided to start a new life. With the 10 days Vipassana meditation, hopefully I will be able to know myself better and just maybe finally realize what it is that I really want in life. Till then, wish me luck!

Origami

Origami helped me out of my depression.
I hadn't realized this until now because I hadn't really given much thought into it. It was my way out whether I admit to it or not. Of course, it wasn't the only way out but it did help me in more ways than I give it credit for.
My love for origami was borne out of depression.
I still remember the darkness that filled deep within me back then. Feeling no emotions whatsoever and the longing urge and the need to kill myself. Those were some pretty dark times.
I still remember the feeling of worthlessness always living inside my head and constantly crippling the littlest self-esteem that I had.
The feelings of inferiority, brokenness and hopelessness were the only feelings I could feel back then.
I still can't believe that I did crawl out of that insanely deep pit lurking in my mind constantly reminding myself that I was worthless, that I would never be good enough, that I didn't deserve to live.
But I did heal myself. By first realizing that I suffered from depression from several of the online tests that they offer, I began my healing process; the process of collecting and binding all the broken pieces of me. 
Origami is something that came out of that process of self-care. I started learning new ways to make things out of paper and actually started sharing those little pieces of myself in the form of folded paper to the people I love. Since it was an easy skill to learn and an easier one to improve, I could see myself feeling whole again. I was regaining my self-esteem and hope with every folded piece of paper I made.
I am not saying that origami was the most important factor to pull me out of my depression; there are so many that I still can't wrap my head around, let alone write or talk about. But I felt like I needed to share this; to open up a small hole to the memory that has completely locked that part of me, the part of me who completely changed my life. The part of me who has made me who I am today. 

Origami, a skill that made me believe in myself again, lighting the fire within me that said that I still could be good at something, that I wasn't worthless, that I could still start over into a better and hopeful future, that I still possessed the innocent and creative part of me somehow restored my faith in myself to be a better person.
I guess the reason I don't involve in  origami these days might be due to the memory intricated with the skill and now I believe it is high time that I changed that.

Today is the day

Today is the day.
The grand finale.
The final showdown.
I did not want this day to come. And not this fast.
I just thought we would be over without this day; I didn't want the sadness and the tearful remembrance of all the good times of the relationship. Funny thing about remembering all the good times of the relationship mostly after it's over and not during the relationship. But hey, that's how every memory works right? Like you only remember the good times of high school once it's over and not when you are really living it.
But dammit today really is the day. I don't want to leave him. But I know I have to. I might find out later in life that he is the best there is to my soulmate and that I lost him. I might even regret letting him go. But not right now. Not when HE is the only guy I have been close to. Not when HE is the only boy I have ever dated. Not when HE is the only one I have fallen in love with. Its been almost 6 years we have had this relationship and not once have I been satisfied with the prospect of our future. I knew we wouldn't work out since before we even were in a relationship. But then the sweetness and the charm just got to me and I don't really regret saying yes to his repeated persuasive proposals but that decision has still haunted me till now. But I can't let it haunt me till the rest of my life just because both of us (mostly me) cannot handle the torture and the sadness of a breakup and the separation from each other. Maybe if we can't handle the separation, maybe we shouldn't be separate right? But NO. I could never live with myself if I jumped into the first bus without even knowing where I want to go.
Hell, I don't even know myself! I still trying to find out who I am and what I want. How can I already choose my life partner when I can't even choose which phone cover to buy!
I just need more time to explore myself and maybe eventually when I do know what kind of personality I want to reflect and what career path to choose, I can the type of guy (or girl? who knows!) I would want to be with. In the meantime, I need to end this relationship right now when the stakes are the least; no more classes to attend to avoid each other or common friends constantly asking about the other.
This is the best timing to end things.
But I was still hoping that we would drift apart not having to deal with all these cries and the "talk" but I guess we really need to go this route. Hopefully, someday I will be happy again.
But for the next 6 months at least, I hope I can cope with the loneliness and the extreme sadness that I know that will run through me.