THE END

It's the end

Today marks the last day of my student life. Even though my student ID expired days ago and my classes ended months ago, today felt like the end. Not even today specifically but that moment just minutes ago: the moment I wrote my last email as an undergraduate student. I didn't feel like this when I had finished giving my last exam of undergraduate life (hell I don't even remember which exam it was!) nor when I ended my internship nor when I gave my final presentation but while writing that small email thanking my professor for his guidance, when I couldn't decide on what to edit as in my mailing signature instead of "undergraduate student", I couldn't help but feel like This Is The End.

The end because I have no idea what to do with my life anymore. Having lived for almost 22 years and having undergone at least 18 years of schooling, I have never been in a situation like this before; a situation where I can do whatever the hell I want to do with my life!
After SLC, there was +2 when I was sure I would study Science; the only decision I had to make was which college to study in. When +2 ended, I was not very sure what to study next but at least I had a part of myself who had already started taking engineering entrance  preparation classes somehow to guide me towards this path of engineering; the only decision was which engineering to choose. I think that was the hardest decision I took back then. I don't regret my decision but I'm unsure if this is the path I want to follow anymore.

See the thing is, no matter how hard the decision, there was always this one thing that was constant : the need to study. No other choice but to keep pursuing education. But not anymore.
Now, I don't need to study. And I don't know what to do. And this is the end of my student life. There is the graduate degree I might need to pursue, but would I really want to study more now that I have studied for so long? But do I want to work? Or do I want to risk it all and just start a business? Or just travel? Or do absolutely nothing!
From tomorrow, I have decided to start a new life. With the 10 days Vipassana meditation, hopefully I will be able to know myself better and just maybe finally realize what it is that I really want in life. Till then, wish me luck!

Origami

Origami helped me out of my depression.
I hadn't realized this until now because I hadn't really given much thought into it. It was my way out whether I admit to it or not. Of course, it wasn't the only way out but it did help me in more ways than I give it credit for.
My love for origami was borne out of depression.
I still remember the darkness that filled deep within me back then. Feeling no emotions whatsoever and the longing urge and the need to kill myself. Those were some pretty dark times.
I still remember the feeling of worthlessness always living inside my head and constantly crippling the littlest self-esteem that I had.
The feelings of inferiority, brokenness and hopelessness were the only feelings I could feel back then.
I still can't believe that I did crawl out of that insanely deep pit lurking in my mind constantly reminding myself that I was worthless, that I would never be good enough, that I didn't deserve to live.
But I did heal myself. By first realizing that I suffered from depression from several of the online tests that they offer, I began my healing process; the process of collecting and binding all the broken pieces of me. 
Origami is something that came out of that process of self-care. I started learning new ways to make things out of paper and actually started sharing those little pieces of myself in the form of folded paper to the people I love. Since it was an easy skill to learn and an easier one to improve, I could see myself feeling whole again. I was regaining my self-esteem and hope with every folded piece of paper I made.
I am not saying that origami was the most important factor to pull me out of my depression; there are so many that I still can't wrap my head around, let alone write or talk about. But I felt like I needed to share this; to open up a small hole to the memory that has completely locked that part of me, the part of me who completely changed my life. The part of me who has made me who I am today. 

Origami, a skill that made me believe in myself again, lighting the fire within me that said that I still could be good at something, that I wasn't worthless, that I could still start over into a better and hopeful future, that I still possessed the innocent and creative part of me somehow restored my faith in myself to be a better person.
I guess the reason I don't involve in  origami these days might be due to the memory intricated with the skill and now I believe it is high time that I changed that.

Today is the day

Today is the day.
The grand finale.
The final showdown.
I did not want this day to come. And not this fast.
I just thought we would be over without this day; I didn't want the sadness and the tearful remembrance of all the good times of the relationship. Funny thing about remembering all the good times of the relationship mostly after it's over and not during the relationship. But hey, that's how every memory works right? Like you only remember the good times of high school once it's over and not when you are really living it.
But dammit today really is the day. I don't want to leave him. But I know I have to. I might find out later in life that he is the best there is to my soulmate and that I lost him. I might even regret letting him go. But not right now. Not when HE is the only guy I have been close to. Not when HE is the only boy I have ever dated. Not when HE is the only one I have fallen in love with. Its been almost 6 years we have had this relationship and not once have I been satisfied with the prospect of our future. I knew we wouldn't work out since before we even were in a relationship. But then the sweetness and the charm just got to me and I don't really regret saying yes to his repeated persuasive proposals but that decision has still haunted me till now. But I can't let it haunt me till the rest of my life just because both of us (mostly me) cannot handle the torture and the sadness of a breakup and the separation from each other. Maybe if we can't handle the separation, maybe we shouldn't be separate right? But NO. I could never live with myself if I jumped into the first bus without even knowing where I want to go.
Hell, I don't even know myself! I still trying to find out who I am and what I want. How can I already choose my life partner when I can't even choose which phone cover to buy!
I just need more time to explore myself and maybe eventually when I do know what kind of personality I want to reflect and what career path to choose, I can the type of guy (or girl? who knows!) I would want to be with. In the meantime, I need to end this relationship right now when the stakes are the least; no more classes to attend to avoid each other or common friends constantly asking about the other.
This is the best timing to end things.
But I was still hoping that we would drift apart not having to deal with all these cries and the "talk" but I guess we really need to go this route. Hopefully, someday I will be happy again.
But for the next 6 months at least, I hope I can cope with the loneliness and the extreme sadness that I know that will run through me.

Celebrity Crush

Can you fall in love with someone you have never interacted with?

I have had my fair share of celebrity crushes. I have fallen for the latest cutest "heartthrobs" as they say in media. I have crushed insanely and stalked every freaking detail about that guy like any other fan. I was obsessed with them, yes. I would refer to them as my future husband (like any other teenage fan) and it would be totally normal.

But I have never felt this. I have never felt so close to a celebrity as I have felt to him. Ever since his stardom, his fans have increased like hell and I am a part of that fanbase. But to feel so close to a celebrity who you know nothing about except what you read in Wikipedia and see in interviews is so different. And I know this is just not me. Its literally every girl crushing over this guy. He has this charm about him that when he speaks, it could just make you feel so wonderful to be alive. He talks about spirituality and I have never seen such a celebrity who is so authentic and so damn attractive in that authenticity.
I don't know what to feel but love for this one special person.
He is special and he is loved. And he deserves all the love he has received.


And I hope that you have an amazing life that you want Noah Centineo cuz you have given us something to be amazed about.

To Noah,
The media is wrong.
You don't break hearts, you mend them.
You make me want to love again.
You make everything worth it somehow.

Goodbyes.

Goodbyes.

With every goodbye, you mature more.

Goodbye. Sounds so good. But hurts so much.

GOOD BYE.

I don’t know how many times I have said goodbye. Being almost 21 years of age, you go through a lot of things. You experience so much. You learn so much. You change so much. But most importantly you grow so much.

I am not saying that age is what makes you mature. It’s the experiences you go through as you live through each day is what really counts. Even a 10 year could be more mature than me in different ways. I know it is the exposure to life that really matters.

Back to the topic of discussion though. I have said a lot of goodbyes to a lot of people (and things). And I say that with every goodbye you mature more because its true. Every goodbye somehow changes you. It makes you feel sad (or happy in some cases). You just aren’t the same person as you were before the goodbye. The change can be so little but it does change you. It might even be scary at times. When you know this is the end. When you know that you won’t see that person anymore. When you won’t be able to talk the same way as before. It’s sad when something ends. It’s like that last day of high school when you promise to keep in touch with all your friends because there is still hope. Hope that this relationship is unique and beautiful and you want to treasure it forever. But that doesn’t happen. You know at times like these not to take anyone for granted and live life fully. But life’s not like that. You can’t keep living each day like it’s the last. Because it just isn’t. Some days are good, some days are bad, some days are sad and some days are exciting. The other days are all average. You only remember the peak moments in life. The moments you were extremely happy or extremely sad. You can’t remember all. There’s just too much hours in a day to remember all of.

But we don’t get this feeling during goodbyes. We just wish that we had spent more time or had more fun. Regrets are part of goodbyes. If only we could have more time together. That’s what you usually feel during a goodbye. The time you are seeing that person for the last time. Even if you know you’ll meet again, you will never really because that person will change and so will you. When you are near them, you don’t notice the changes as much as you are apart. That just how life works.

With every goodbye, you mature more.

I am repeating it because it’s the after part that’s important. The part where you move on. The realization that life goes on and you try to keep living on as you intended. No matter how much you miss them. You make new memories and experience more peaks in life regardless if it’s happy or sad. Every encounter is different because no person is the same.

Life goes on. And you move on.

Nothingness

So long. Too long, I suppose. Its not that I didn't intend to write at all. I just couldn't. I'd open up my notebook to write something then i'd just get blank. All those scrutinizing thoughts changed into nothingness. Maybe my thoughts were too vast, too void. Unexplained, unwritten, forgotten.
Those moments of sheer intellection lost again to never come back. I use again here not just because of me. But for every living person in this universe. The fragility of our minds in understanding the workings and the twists & turns of the universe is bound to collapse one way or another. Because when there is life there is always curiosity. How? Why? When? What??
You can't tell me that you've never wondered about the origin of life, how the whole concept of life suddenly came into existence. Each of us think about this one time or the other. Its the people who long for its answer that keep on searching. And in the absense of a satisfactory answer, they just make one up, to be passed on to thousands of more generations to come. Only to realise for the thousandth generation how senseless it perceives. But the mystery is still unsolved. And therefore originates another theory.
We live though life and we live though death not knowing anything at all about life and death. And yet we keep on living. Bacause thats what we've been doing all along. From generations before, we've been living.
And for generations after we'll keep on living, thinking that we have no other choice.
But what if we did have a choice? A choice between existence and non-existence. Would life still go on? Or would we be able to endanger the whole concept of life?
Will we ever know??

ASPECTS

Fear. Lack of enough confidence. Not enough willpower. Responsibilities.

The reason why I am still here. In this world. The reason why I am not out there, running for answers. Answers to questions. Questions of existence. Questions about life. Questions on enlightenment. Questions to everything.

But the main reason I am not pursuing the answers? I am scared that the questions are void. That I’ll be letting myself and everyone around me down.

But believe me, not a single day goes by that the thoughts of existence in general doesn’t pass through my mind.

I know one thing for sure: there are just too many aspects to life. Aspects conquered. Aspects puzzling. Aspects unexplored. Aspects unheard of. Aspects unthinkable. And for that reason, I don’t believe in enlightenment. I don’t believe that the ‘enlightened’ people have really known about all the life aspects. They may have conquered morality and philosophy but what about the sciences. Aren’t the questions of science just as important?

You can’t have all the knowledge about everything. Maybe it won’t matter once you are enlightened. But for me, everything does. There will always be that one aspect to life that I will not have heard of. Or that one aspect that I’ll never understand. Or that one aspect that the future will eventually reveal.

‘Live in the moment’, people tend to advise. But which one moment do you really live on? Is it the moment of understanding the lecture or the moment where you are day-dreaming inside the lecture hall? Because technically, you really are living in that exact moment of day-dreaming. The thoughts in your brain are just as alive as it would be if you were paying attention to the lecture.

Life is just too complicated to be lived. But is death any easier?

Will I ever find the answers? I wonder.